I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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