WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
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