Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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