you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
