He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
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