me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
