I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
