On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
