my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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