I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
There is a new fb quiz: "are you at ypical woman, future ex or from crazy town" - should i take it?
Aren't all three of those the same though?
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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