YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Randomize
