i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
