i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
