I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
