I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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