the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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