I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
