I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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