Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
