Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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