you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
