Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
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