worst night to have a conscience
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
If I die, sorry about rent.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
