the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
