Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
