these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
