I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Holy sore nipples Batman
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
