I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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