I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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