I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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