Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
