**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I have feelings that need drinking.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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