there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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