i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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