someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
