Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
