operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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