just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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