My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
