I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
