i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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