And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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