Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
