I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Dignity is for republicans.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
