Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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