i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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