theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
