I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
