So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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