Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
