I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
