So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
