This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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