On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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