So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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