final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
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