No awkward lesbian experiences without me
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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