he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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