She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
