I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
the condom got lost in my hair
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize