My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize