He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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