First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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